(A life update of sorts. Stolen from various journal entries over the past few months since I've procrastinated so long on writing this. I can't believe I've been away from dA so long that I forgot most of the smilies. And also that this is probably the oldest account on any site I still have access to... )
It feels like the past twelve years of my life have finally paid off. I graduated from high school not even a month ago. It's strange, this future thing... I wish I got some kind of level up notice or a sign that told me I was one step closer to achieving x milestone. But the future is a scary and confusing and I honestly don't even know what direction I'm headed in. Good thing I have the rest of my life to figure that out.
I don't think it's even hit me yet- summer break just feels like one really really really long (and unproductive heheee) weekend.
Choosing colleges was one of the toughest decisions of my life so far... but it feels good, because I think it's been the first decision that has been so wholly mine.
Sometimes I look at people in their 30's and they just seem to have their lives so...put together.
I wish time machines were real so I could find out what I'm meant to do or where I'm meant to be doing years from now and how exactly I got there.
the quote that helped me get over my fear of making a decision:
"If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another.
The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.
If this sounds too mystical, refer again to the body. Every significant vital sign—body temperature, heart rate, oxygen consumption, hormone level, brain activity, and so on—alters the moment you decide to do anything… decisions are signals telling your body, mind, and environment to move in a certain direction."
I guess it all sort of came together on the last day of my visit to Berkeley. I overheard a guy I met talking on the phone to someone back home and he said, "everyone here just gets it. I don't have to explain anything to them." And that summed up the entire experience I had on campus and the experience I hope to have.
I haven't done much this summer yet, but I should note that I am obsessed and in love with the show Parks and Recreation (and Adam Scott but whoops another story for another time). It's funny and feminist and... if you let it be, so deep. I hate them for making me reevaluate my perspectives. In an interview Amy Poehler (the lead actress) talked about how people and media romanticize big cities so much (talking NYC and LA here). The show does the opposite and shows the heroism of falling in love with a small town/home town.
So I guess all I want to say now is... I'm can't wait. I can't wait to move to a new small town and big city and come home after four years with a new appreciation for my home. I can't wait to start this new chapter of my life and wander around a new town and sip coffee with new people at 2am on rainy nights and learn and gain new perspectives and be challenged and pushed harder than I have ever been because that's the only way to find out exactly what you are capable of.
And on those lonely nights when I doubt myself and ask "AM I GOOD ENOUGH" or "CAN I DO THIS" or "WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER TRYING," I'll just have to remind myself of how far I've come and that to insult myself would be to insult every person who ever believed in me.
Here's the new motto:
Fiat lux. Let there be light.
(literally the school's motto GO -insert every UC campus-!)